Spoiler Alert: This post contains information about the newest Twilight crap film. If you don’t want to know details don’t read any further.
So one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard came out of my wife’s mouth after I asked her about the newest Twilight movie. On a side note, she went with a bunch of friends to a midnight showing and had a blast. I’m really glad that she could do this with friends.
Okay now back to the point. My wife told me that Bella gets pregnant with a vampire baby. And I thought sparkling vampires were silly.
Having 7 month old twins at home made me think about how awful it would be to actually have a vampire baby. I mean, babies are cute, but they are really hard work when they are not monsters. All the crying, pooping, lack of sleep, and teething is enough to drive a person insane. Thankfully human babies are not only cute, but they don’t try to kill you.
Vampire babies are quite ridiculous. Even though they are beyond silly, Twilight is ridiculously popular. So it makes sense that other monsters will follow in their footsteps. Get ready for other monster babies like…
- Vampire babies. I know I’ve already mentioned them, but I have more to say about this silly concept. Sparkling babies would be kind of cute I guess. The worst part is not the fact that they’d try to gnaw a whole in your neck by gumming you to death. The worst part is that vampires are nocturnal. Can you imagine being up ALL night long with a vampire baby?
- Zombie babies. Zombie babies wouldn’t be all that bad. Zombies are slow, they don’t scream, they are dead so they don’t poop, and they seem to sleep a lot when there aren’t humans around. I think I could handle a zombie baby until they grew teeth. Then it’d be all over.
- Mummy babies. I don’t really get what mummies bring to the monster table. They seem kind of weak for a monster. As a baby, a mummy would provide a lot of cloth material to wipe up all those pees, poops, and pukes.
- Freddy Krueger babies. Okay this would be the worst of the lot. If women thought it was hard to sleep while pregnant, try being pregnant with a baby that gives you nightmares where you can actually die.
- Werewolf babies. If you had to have a monster for a baby this would be the way to go. It’s a normal baby except for one time a month when the moon is full. If you plan accordingly this might be the only baby that wouldn’t be hunted down. Just lock it up once a month and blame the howling on the dog. As a bonus, when it became a teenager it would rule at basketball, and be able to surf on top of a van in motion. If you didn’t get that last sentence please do me a favor and rent Teen Wolf.
- Cookie Monster babies. It’s made of blue fur and only eats cookies. I change my mind about werewolf babies. Cookie Monster would be the best monster baby around.
So what’d I miss? What other monster babies could there be?
Love you man but this blog today, not so much! I am not a twilight fan. I am a Rob Shepard fan!
Thanks Billy. I’m not a Twilight fan either.
There could be Alien babies where they pop out of the host…..wait a minute, that might have been done already.
Larry, thank you! I thought the same thing. Not everybody remembers those Alien movies. Someone else suggested that put Aliens on the list.
Steven Segal babies. They will group up to know karate, squint their eyes, and then make bad movies. In desperation, they will then turn to reality TV with no hopes of ever making a movie again.
Michael, this was a ha-larious comment! Steven Segal. Love it!
O.K., this is the silliest thing that I have read so far today. Keep up the good work!
Daniel, it’s the silliest thing I have ever written. My wife didn’t even like it. She’s the one that inspired it. Sometimes you’ve just got to be silly.
I am a twilight fan and Edward is not a monster and the baby is cute. 😛
Megan, I can’t tell if you are being serious or not but that made me laugh. So vampires are no longer monsters or just Edward is not? I hope you know this was all in good fun.
Edward’s not a monster. Oh I know it was all in good fun. I was just joking back.
Hey Rob, I will watch the twins so that YOU can go watch the new twilight film with your wife!
She watches The Walking Dead with you, yes it ROCKS.
Only fair that you should embrace her enjoyment of the Twilight series!
I would love a RobShep review of the film, it is your duty as a husband and film critic.
oh and I am SO glad my gf is not in to that vampire crap, she loves The Walking Dead though!
Stevie G, thanks for the offer. A better comparison would be if Monica would watch Rocky with me. She hates those movies like I hate Twilight. Thankfully my wife said that she didn’t want to watch it again in the theaters. I will end up watching it with her when it comes out on DVD.
Super Villain babies. All that little evil in the world would be so tough. Tough luck for whoever births Super Villain baby Magneto. That poor mom and her super magnet belly, it would be a long annoying pregnancy.
Joe, love it! Thanks for playing along!
You left out the most terrifying monster baby: the Justin Bieber Pop Star Monster Baby. You’d go crazy from all the screaming. No, not from your baby — from all the girl babies who think he’s adorable.
Burrill, yeah and I thought people went crazy when they saw my kids at picture people. People literally stand outside the glass and watch us like we are zoo animals. If we had Bieber babies it would be a whole notha level.
I got it, I got it…
The babies of all babies…..drum roll please….
CHUCK NORRIS BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LMBO!!!
Oh and i asked to most fanatic twitfan i know…(aka My sister) and asked her how is it possible for Vampires (known to be dead) (I think they even mention how edward has no heart beat)…
how he can produce little vampire spermies and knock up bella?…
her response: from the author: Edward is part of a vampire line known as the incubus…lol…
I told her…that “Incubus” really means, The Devil Within…lol…
So i messed with her more and told her
Edward just knocked Bella up with the Anti-Christ!!! AHHHHHHH
Nice work Arny!
First things first. Becca and I went with to the 4PM showing on Sunday with Heather and Josh from our Community group, and I have to say it was a blast. Now, I being a guy, have never really seen the attraction to the series, and I have seen all the movies with my wife. But, I have to say, I am coming around. It was actually well made, and a decent story line, all things considering. It definatly had some moving moments, weird as that may seem. We all had a blast, and got some good laughs also, which is a plus on any level!
Now, let’s see. Monster baby? Since I see we might be allowed to use X Men, I am easily going with Wolverine Babies. Not only would spanking them be a huge error, but their temper tantriums would really suck!
Joseph, Wolverine baby would be tough stuff. Nuff said.
The said Vampire Baby’s nickname is Nessie, which is a natural segway into Lockness Monster Baby. Dont really have a joke here other than pointing it out and since I was in Europe all week I totally missed opening night and am leaving for the afternoon showing.
Geoff, if a human had a Lockness baby that would be awful! Good call.
I think my two qualify as monster babies occasionally…;) Today for example when Billy left for work he was shaking his head and said, “Yeeeah. I’ll be praying for YOU.” It’s been one of those days. Haha.
Austin-Lee, I hear ya. Now just imagine if they were trying to eat you. I’m glad there are no real monster babies. That’d make things sucky.
Frankenstein’s Monster Baby:
“Aww, look, honey. He’s got your dad’s eyes…no really!”
Randal, how did I miss Frankenstein!? Great call!
Sorry – not into Twilight AT ALL – I watched the first one on demand because teenage girls were making such a big deal about it – I don’t relate. Falling in love with a vampire? Hmmm.
Cindy, don’t apologize to me. I hate Twilight. I think it’s silly as all get out. My wife loves it for some reason so I’ve endured a few of the movies. Thanks for the comment.
Soooo many possibilities, baby Swamp Thing, baby Predator, baby Lada Gaga (little monster, get it), baby Chuckie, baby Vader (imagine that ultra sound), baby he who will not be named, but seriously the scariest would have to be baby Clown, adult clowns are kinda creepy any way, I would run from a baby clown
Sirvhim, I love your comment. So many great things. You should have posted this blog.
Coooookies!
C is for cookie and cookie is for me!
Haha! This post is awesome! Thank you for the laugh.
I’m the one who has an affinity for vampires, but I have only seen the first Twilight movie and then only because of morbid curiosity. I’ve sworn off that crappy franchise.
There not monsters, but what about wizard babies?
“Hey! where did your veggies go?”
*There should be “They’re”