You may or may not know that I get really nervous talking about girl stuff. Not girl stuff like trying on clothes, throwing parties where you buy purses, or talking about “The Bachelor.” I’m talking about girl stuff that guys can’t understand.
I’ve always avoided this type of conversation. When two girls forget that I don’t want to learn about girl stuff and they start talking about it I go to my happy place. This is where I pretend to listen, but on the inside of my mind all I’m thinking about is a Chicken Fajita Burrito from Chipotle. Mmm…Chipotle. Sometimes though I’m so grossed out that I can’t hide the look on my face. Thankfully my wife knows how awkward this stuff is for me and she not only doesn’t talk about it, but also tells other girls not to.
Enter my wife getting pregnant. Up until this point I avoided going with her to the girl doctor. This is not saying that her doctor is girly. It’s the name that I give the place that she visits to check on the health of our babies. This is perhaps the most awkward place for a guy to visit. The only thing that comes close to me is when I forget that the mall puts girl’s undergarments right next to a certain exit. When I make the mistake of parking near this entrance to the mall I feel like I’ve entered a foreign land and I don’t have a passport. I keep my eyes down and I walk as fast as I possibly can to get through it. Oh and the aisle at the store that contains girly hygiene products is one that I avoid like the plague. I get nervous when a girly product commercial comes on TV. If I ever run for President my platform will be that products that only relate to girls should be shown only during Soap Operas, Oprah/The View, and The Bachelor. I digress.
I personally believe that the girly doctor is a place that no man should ever visit. The stuff they do in there makes me say audibly “I thank God I’m a guy.” I know that girls are thinking that I’m a big wuss, but this stuff just freaks me out.
Now since my wife has gotten pregnant I’ve been exposed to a whole lot of information that I didn’t know existed. Most of my information on women being pregnant came from watching TV. I knew that they gained some weight (for the record I think my wife looks beautiful pregnant). I knew that they waddled. I knew that they scream, “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT’ at the father during the delivery. But there are a lot of things that TV doesn’t prepare men for.
- Carpal Tunnel. I didn’t have a fat clue that many pregnant women get Carpal Tunnel. Monica wakes up with pain in her hands. She can no longer open bottles and she wears two braces that look like what Michael Jackson wore in the video for Black or White. Just in case you forgot what that looked like…
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Leg cramps. I didn’t have a fat clue that pregnant women get leg cramps. I woke up circa 4:30 AM to Monica crying. She couldn’t reach her leg and it hurt something fierce. I started to massage her leg and it felt like a Gremlin was burrowing out of her calf. Just in case you forgot what a Gremlin looks like…
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The mysterious pregnant line. I didn’t have a fat clue that women get a line on the center of their belly that looks like the Equator on a globe. Just in case you forgot what the Equator on a globe looks like…?
haha…true true…oh man…you are in for some fun now…
This made me laugh out loud. I wasn't expecting the carpal tunnel, leg cramps, or only fitting into 2 pairs of my shoes at this point. Wouldn't change a thing.
love it! i can think of a few more things, but…
oh, and monica, when i was prego with both boys, i wore flip flops the ENTIRE time. dress code or no dress code, my cankles were NOT fitting in shoes 🙂
That's okay Rob, they don't tell girls this until they get pregnant either.
Interesting. I didn't know that. I thought it was just a guy thing.
Rob – this blog was hilarious. I loved the visual pictures…."for those of us who forgot what some things look like."
Thanks Lisa.
Thanks Lindsey for not sharing more things. I appreciate that.
Yay. You may not know it but that is one of my goals in life. To make you laugh out loud.
Brian, I can't wait.
O.K. great post. You have given me a case of the giggles. I won't give away any secrets, but with a daughter on the way, you are in store for a whole heap of girly-related surprises that will blow your mind.
Now I'm scared.
Lisa took my comment. Pretty much exactly.
Just wait until the delivery and after….fun times….
Faith, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That is going to be too much for me.
Dan, I'm just glad that you commented. Thanks.
Rob, we still need to have the c-section talk. Really its just a warning because it's better to be prepared. But trust me when I say that you will encounter MANY more girly things in the next few months. I never would've guessed some of the things Reed would see or do after I had Anna. BUT, you're a great husband and I know you'll get through it.
I do have a suggestion for poop containment I'd like to give and this goes for both girls and boys. Onsies are a must when poop is not solid. It doesn't stop it from escaping the diaper but it does slow it down. Unfortunately, poop has been known to squirt. This is something else they never tell you till you either are pregnant or have a newborn. Once it shot out of the top of Anna's diaper and landed on me and the couch. A onsie would've slowed it down and most likely kept it contained for the most part. Cleaning up poop is bad enough but it's even worse when it's on you and your couch, carpet, carseat, bed…you get the picture. Croch pooh is also common, meaning it sneaks out of the diaper around the legs. Again, I think a onsie helps in this situation.
And, I'm only telling you this stuff because you need to know…because I know a)you'd like to avoid the pooh as much as possible but with 2 that's impossible and b)someone's gotta tell you.
tip of the iceberg dude…gotta love the simile-ous (not a real word, but could be) pictures, though.
Oh, too funny Rob!! I hope someone videos you in the delivery room. I would pay to watch it.
Kris, no videos. I don't ever want to watch that stuff again.
Tim, thanks!
Thanks Toni. I think. That was really gross.
Still laughing! Love the visuals. Ummm, could do with out the gremlin pic, he tortured my sleep for many years in elementary school. I tagged you at my blog http://chickencurrynapplepie.blogspot.com