Dear Santa,
Earlier this week I wrote a Christmas letter to you. How you doing on my list? Your beard looks hot. Keep up the great beardom.
My twins informed me through their agent, aka their mom (aka that’s not true) that they felt left out. The following is a list of what they would like for their first Christmas. No pressure but don’t jack this up…
- Chipotle flavored formula. Our dad loves Chipotle so we can’t wait until we have a full set of teeth to eat it.
- Celtics diapers with the Celtic logo on the inside. We are tired off shewy-ing in diapers with cute cartoon characters that we don’t have a fat clue about. It’s time to give us something worth shewy-ing on. Oh, and shewy is what our parents call it when we stank up our diapers.
- Money for our college education. Our parents are hard working but from what we can tell they won’t have a lot of money for us to go to college. We don’t want to pay for it ourselves because by the time we are in college the average cost will be 952 billion Mum Mums. We don’t understand paper money yet. We do get to eat Mum Mums and they are fantastic.
- The ability to tickle back. We like to laugh and get tickled, but we don’t have a fat clue how to tickle our parents back. That’s not fair.
- Pick out something nice for our parents. We can’t find a way to get to the store without our parents knowing. We need you in order to not appear selfish. You have my dad’s list. I think my mom likes sparkly things. Go with that.
- PWLTTOPBs to stop getting all up on our grills. PWLTTOPB stands for People Who Like To Touch Other People’s Babies and it’s pronounced pa-will-ta-bub. We are not talking about our friends at church or the people that come to visit us. We are talking about the strangers at stores that sell Mum Mums. We licked the grocery cart handle once and it tasted like shewy. If that tastes bad then no telling where those PWLTTOPB’s hands have been. Okay we haven’t actually done that but we also can’t talk so just lean with it rock with it.
- A spinning cooly down machine to stay on at all times. We think our parents call it a fan. We love to look at that thing spin, but they keep turning it off.
- A van for us to ride in. All the cool kids are riding around in mini-vans. We are thankful for our car! We just figure that it doesn’t hurt to go for the big ask.
- Our parents to lighten up about us sucking on everything. Everything in our life looks so yummy. I (Hayden) tried to consume the couch the other day and before I could sink my tooth into it my dad pulled me away. That thing looks like a big mouthful of YUMMY goodness!
- More superhero clothes. We like em. The more the better is what we always say.
- Someone to come out with original quality cartoons. There is a lack in quality awesome cartoons these days. Our dad always talks about the 80’s. Thundercats, Superfriends, Smurfs, He-Man, Mask, G.I. Joe, and Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles were original cartoons in the 80’s. Now all they do is make shewy cartoons or updated versions of those classics. And we are not talking about Pokemon! We can’t support that.
- Video games for babies. Our dad plays video games and they seem to bring him great joy. If anyone can figure out how to make a system for babies you can. We are counting on you Santa! We would like it to be moisture controlled so we can actually play the game by sticking the controller in our mouth.
- Our own blog.
- A plague to attack peas. Have you smelled baby food peas? It’s gag nasty. We would appreciate it if peas were wiped off the face of the planet.
Thanks in advance. We feel like we’ve been pretty nice this year. Sure we have cried some, but we are only 9 months old. What do you expect? If you don’t deliver we will find a way to spread the word that you don’t exist. We are friends with the E*Trade baby. Don’t make us do it. He will tell the world on one of his documentaries. 
PS: Piece of advice – eat more milk and cookies. We expected you to smell like them when we met you. No such luck. You smelled like moth balls. Oh and step off Santa, cause it’s Jesus’ birthday. Sucka!
Your babies are obviously prodigies.
Larry, thank you kind sir.
Celtics logo on the inside huh? When you guys get your own cars, I will be forced to put bananas in both of your tailpipes. That will show you who the greatest basketball team of the 1960s was … I think.
Daniel, on behalf of my twins I say “what are the 1960’s?”
Grrrrr.
Mommy says we also need size 3 diapers (Target brand), wipes, any flavor stage 2 baby food (we don’t mind peas, but our daddy does), and infant Enfamil formula (yellow with a duck on it). Mom figured out it costs an average of $80.50 a week to feed us, or $322 a month. Reese needs 12 month + socks and loves bows for her hair. I, Hayden, want a baby bullet to mash up things my parents eat.
Monica, mommy would know what they really need. Hopefully Santa reads the comments.
Love the Celtics diaper idea. Wasn’t sure where you were going with that at first but the conclusion was satisfying.
New favorite saying: “I don’t give a shewy.”
I’m crediting you, like it or not.
Kevin, I’ll take credit for that saying. It doesn’t take much for me to take credit. I kid, I kid.
Well played!! If all the e-mails I get through the day read like this, I might enjoy being at work.
At least your Santa smelled like old people and not bourbon…
Thanks Scott and I agree. He was a little skinny for Santa but he didn’t smell like bourbon.
This is pretty much my Christmas list word for word. Smart kids.
Joe, you crack me up. When do you want to guest post on robshep.com?
Rob, deal. I will be working tirelessly on a guest post, so probably sometime in the next couple weeks. Or next year, who knows. I also probably won’t work tirelessly on it either, so anyway…electronic message me with some tails about what you may want or if we are gonna freestyle this dealio.
I am honored already just with the idea.
OMGosh!! Too funny Rob. I LOL more than once. The moisture controlled video game. Priceless.
Thanks Kris! I never know if what I right will come off as funny. I love making people laugh so I’m glad that this one did that for you.
HaHa! Quite a list, and a smart one at that! With babies like these, who needs smart phones? LOL
Ed, agreed! Except my kids don’t come with an Angry Birds App.
You gotta be kidding me!
Good stuff here. I hear you on the PWLTTOPB issue. I don’t like strange people touching me either.
As a fellow superhero fan, I must ask: Marvel or DC? Is there a favored superhero (or one that is being pushed to be favored)?
Randal, I’m a DC guy. I like both but I grew up loving Batman and Superman. Batman is my favorite!
First of all – that is such a fun picture of the twins with Santa! I love all their wish list too – it’s so true – especially the tickle part 🙂
Cindy, it’s free. Bass Pro has a whole set up for free. It’s great for kids…and dad’s who like to play with stuff.
As a fellow gamer, I enjoy the thought of a baby playing a video game by sticking it in their mouth. I think they should’ve skipped the formula and straight up asked for teeth to eat the yummy Chipotle goodness.
Sean, I agree. They might need to update their list.
Santa’s gotta do something about quality cartoons- preach! I watched the heck out of some ninja turtles growing up and nothing touches that kind of show today. I mean, why are all the world’s children learning to speak Japanese in every cartoon they watch on TV now? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve heard that’s a hard language to master, so maybe I should turn this complaint around and be grateful for what pokemon offers, I’m so torn.
Hey thanks for another great post Rob. Hope Santa’s listening!
The twins are looking very cute.You are in the getup of Santa Clause.I got you.Its a nice picture.
I am catching up on some old posts while my students take a test. Needless to say this made me laugh out loud and disrupt the class. 🙂