So it’s official…I’m a dad. My twins were born last week and that means I don’t have time to blog. In my absence I asked some friends, acquaintances, and some people I don’t know to guest post. Today’s post is provided by the following: Matt Orth is married to Shannon (since 1995!) and they have a daughter named Micah (born on 1/1/99) who could grow up to be the next George Lucas, lead a band of South American rebels to freedom, or be president of the United States. In addition to loving good movies and being an aspiring writer, Matt also likes the Philadelphia Eagles, good coffee, J.R.R. Tolkein, ultimate Frisbee, reading, Bill Mallonee and hiking with his family.
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Rob,

Thanks for asking me to write this blog for you. . .I’m really not surprised you asked though because I’ve pretty much been the perfect parent all my life. I recognized my parental greatness way before I even had kids, I just watched how kids that weren’t mine acted in public and then made snap judgements about their parents’ deficiencies. It wasn’t much of a jump to assume from my ability to ascertain others’ faults that I had the makings of paternal greatness about me. And then I had my first baby and I knew that I was right.

Since you asked for a post on some tips on being a new parent, here are some of my sure-fire principles for being the awesomest dad ever:

1. Always assume your wife is super-human and wants to spend every waking moment with her new spawn. She really doesn’t want to hang out with other humans, especially her friends, and so you should probably just let her stay in the wonderful confines of your home for the first 3 months. Your wife will also be able to keep up with all domestic duties and so you shouldn’t worry about having to pick up any slack.
2. Babies don’t remember anything for a while. So, before they ruin your life by demanding all your time (once they get mobile and vocal) you should really live it up. Don’t worry about building time into your schedule now with your kids, you will have plenty of time to wedge it in later.
3. New babies really make a lot of noise. I’ve always found it helpful to try and “out-scream” them. This is especially great if I’m concurrently watching a sporting event, it’s like multi-tasking. Your wife may think this makes it go on longer and make everyone more stressed, but if I actually took the time to figure out the best technique to calm my child, I might miss some of the Geico commercials during the game.
4. Everybody will give you advice, you should take all of it. Kids are all the same: crying, wriggling, pooping little sausages made of cartilage. . .it may “seem” like the advice is contradictory and all over the spectrum, just ignore that and any so-called “uniqueness” to your kids and listen to everybody.
5. If you have any feelings of inadequacy, that is not normal! You should hysterically call 9-1-1 or shoot over to ParentsWebMD and diagnose this malady immediately. No great parent EVER feels unsure of themselves or overwhelmed by such a teensy little burden. If you are struggling with this, keep quiet about it!! It’s embarrassing and everyone will judge you. (I already think less of you just thinking about it)
And if you’re having twins, just double these tips. . .and for triplets, triple the advice. More than three kids? Hire a male nanny who can mimic your dad-like properties.

Well, that’s about it, gotta go teach my daughter how to juggle knives. She’s pretty sharp for a 3 year old.

Matt O.