Conflict arises in relationships because of unmet expectations. Think about the last time you got mad at someone. Wasn’t it because you had an expectation and a person didn’t meet it? You thought they would call and they didn’t. You expect them to respect you and they don’t. You expect people to not be rude to you and they are.You expect them to not text, and eat a Sloppy Joe, while driving down the interstate. When expectations aren’t met it causes conflict.
You can apply the following to any relationship in your life. It’s magnified in a marriage relationship because you spend so much time with your spouse.
If you want to make a relationship or marriage work then ask the following questions when someone doesn’t meet your expectations…
- Have I communicated this expectation clearly? Your spouse can’t read your mind. If you expect them to not leave their underwear in the middle of the bedroom floor, then you need to clearly communicate it. It’s not fair to get upset with someone if you have never talked about your expectations.
- Is this expectation realistic? Is it realistic to expect your husband to be McDreamy when he’s more like McRib? Is it realistic to expect your wife to be in the mood every time that you are? The answer is no. Some expectations need to change because they are unrealistic.
Now this only works if both people involved in the relationship are willing to work on it. If you clearly communicate your expectations and if you change your unrealistic expectations then you will have less drama in your relationships. The hard part is forcing yourself to communicate when an expectation is unmet. That’s where I struggle. It’s not easy, but applying this to your relationships is how you can make a marriage (or any relationship) work.
You talked along similar lines in one of your Sunday talks earlier this year. One issue that I struggle with is that I hate "confrontation". So sometimes communicating with folks is a real issue for me. It is something that takes work and practice. It also means that I can't be too hard on myself when I struggle in this area. But you are quite right here.
I think another aspect that is key in marriage relationships that most everyone will cringe at or disagree (or they might give lips service to it but do nothing practically with it)…Men love, honor, cherish, nourish their wives REGARDLESS of and despite her response or deservedness…and women love, honor, respect their husbands REGARDLESS of and despite his response or deservedness. It's the way of Jesus.
Billy, I have began applying this concept to my marriage over the past few months. I have also applied some of the concepts learned in Fireproof. Since then, I have noticed my marriage strengthen. My marriage is now stronger then ever before. The Bible says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved his church and gave himself up to make her holy." Ephesians 5:25-26
I agree with you on this. Communication is a two way street. I am a non confrontational person and saying what is bothering me is difficult. What I am trying is to walk away and give my self time to gather my thoughts so that I can say how I feel without it coming out mean. Not easy at all.
Mmmmm. McRib!
That was a funny comment
Love the blog! And for the record, the dodge post was written and pre-posted before I ever even left SC! I laughed last night when I realized that it posted the same day we left.