Now before you send me a hate comment, please understand that this list is supposed to be funny. I don’t hate pets. I’m not a cold hearted hater. I just don’t own a pet, and there are times when people give me a hard time for it. This is my humorous response.

1. I don’t like to be sniffed in the crotch. I don’t know why animals do this, but it is awkward and scary. I know that you trust your animal, but I don’t. For all I know they could be hungry and that might be the reason they are sniffing up on me. Nuff said.
2. Animals cost a lot of money.
3. They eat or claw your stuff.
4. They don’t know how to use the toilet. I don’t want to have to bag poo, sift poo, or step in poo. All products of pets.
5. They smell. And people who don’t think their houses smell like their pets are blinded by love.
6. When you go on vacation you have to find someone to take care of them.
7. They need attention. I’d rather spend my attention on my wife, friends, or staring at a wall.
8. They get sick and it’s mad expensive to fix em.
9. They don’t respect your personal space. They climb on you, jump on you, and try to sleep in your bed.
10. They hump in public. People have such double standards when it comes to pets. They want to treat them like humans but overlook the fact that animals will try to have sex whenever they want. They don’t wait for an invitation or a private setting. If it’s a dog they don’t even care if it’s your leg.
11. They shed. Fish don’t really count as pets. Almost all others leave their hair all over the place.
12. If you want to count fish…they die after a few weeks/months. I’m still not over my fish, Hulk Hogan, dying when I was in the third grade.
13. I question their love. Anything that runs away the minute the door is open doesn’t really love you.
14. They make noise. It’s not like you can have a conversation with the noise they make.
15. They lick to show love. That’s gross.
16. You can train an animal to play dead, go to the bathroom in a box, or balance a ball on their nose, but animals don’t have enough sense to look both ways before crossing the street.
17. They could attack at any moment.
18. I like Garfield and Snoopy, but I’ve never met a cat or dog that acted anything like them. If I did I would have a pet.
19. Did you read about the pet whale killing its trainer when he accidentally fell in. Nuff said.
20. You feed em food made specifically for them and they still chew on your furniture, iPods, and children.
21. Poop in a bag.
22. At one point in history to call someone a dog was considered an insult. It’s what Goliath called David. Now the dog is man’s best friend. Societies typically go down morally and ethically. This may be a sign of that. What’s next? Squirrels in the house?
23. Cat ladies.
24. When animals start to help pay the bills I’ll consider owning one. Until then they just suck up money.
25. Jesus didn’t have a pet.
26. Mad Cow Disease, Bird Flu, Swine Flu = animal attempts to rule humans.
27. Have you seen the documentary “Planet of the Apes”?
28. I don’t eat humans. I do however eat animals. I would feel hypocritical owning a pet knowing I eat other animals.
29. I owned a rabbit once. Most rabbits run from humans. This rabbit clawed us, ate our electrical cords, and shot poop out it’s cage into the next room.
30. I also owned a turtle once. His name was Michelangelo. He died and we didn’t notice until we could smell him.
31. Science says we evolved from animals. Not owning a pet is my protest against evolution.
32. The movie “Pet Cemetery.”
33. Satan took on the form of a snake. What makes you think he’s not your cat?
34. Pets are addictive. Most my friends that have a pet end up having multiple.
35. I get my fill of pets by visiting the zoo.
36. “Cujo” is a true story.
37. Pet clothes. I know it’s not their fault that owners dress them, but seriously…pet clothes!
38. People say that pets bring love to their life. People also bought Pet Rocks.
39. Did I mention Poo in a bag?
40. I’m really busy.
41. I like alone time. On my days off I don’t mind some alone time. Animals don’t give you alone time.
42. “2 hours of sleep and woke up to a house full of vomit courtesy of Daisy.” – Direct quote from Facebook.
43. Have you ever stepped in dog poo?
44. We have a lot of guests over to the house.
45. I like the mailman and most pets don’t. Actually I don’t know our mailman, but if I did I would feel bad for causing him fear every time he came to my house.
46. Pet stores sell dogs and cats. They also sell birds, snakes, and rats. Smells like a conspiracy to get animals out of the wild.
47. PETA
48. I live in a town home. There is not a lot of space to run around for a pet.
49. Most my friends own pets so I get my full by hanging out with their pets.
50. Pets die. I recently had two friends have pets die. It was incredibly sad for them because they became a part of their family. I’m not good with goodbyes.