People say that marriage is hard. People would be right. But it’s not hard because it’s something that we can’t do. It’s hard because it magnifies who we are.
If you are an annoying single you will be an annoying married person. If you are a selfish single then you will be a selfish married person. If you are an argumentative single then you will be an argumentative married person. If you are an angry single then you will be an angry married person. If you are a psycho billy ninja when you are a single then you will be a psycho billy ninja who drools, talks to themselves and should stay away from sharp objects when you are married.
You see marriage magnifies your issues. We think that marriage will make us better and in a lot of ways it does. But if you are not working on yourself your spouse will end up exposing the worst parts of you.
Because we spend so much time with our spouse they get to see our real selves and then some. When we date we see the person in a kaleidoscope. We see what they want us to see and it’s often distorted to who they really are. Marriage comes and there is no hiding.
My wife is better than any wife in the history of wives. She’s wicked awesome. She’s amazing and yet she still gets to see my worst. This is why I pray, almost weekly, “God, help me to love Monica like you love me.” It’s not because she’s hard to love. It’s because I can’t hide my faults. I thank God for my wife. I have to keep working on myself. With God’s help I can continue to have an amazing marriage.
Oh and if you have kids then it’s like a magnifying glass on steroids laced with Smurf-berry juice. Take everything that I just wrote and put it in all caps with lots of exclamation points and you will have what kids do to exposing your flaws.
When it comes to marriage who do you know that models it well?
It is amazing that we still love and are loved after being under the magnifying glass.
Larry, it truly is!
Very true Rob. I also feel that some character traits you didn’t know were there show up when married. Marriage takes work from both sides. Communication is very important. Great blog.
By the way I happen to think your wife is awesome as well
Bernadette, I like what you said. Maybe marriage is more like a microscope that zooms in on things that we didn’t know existed.
So good.
I would say my mom and dad. They are best friends and have been married for 30 years.
Ups and downs.
Through it all their love prevailed.
Michael, what a blessing to have parents like that. Mine are the same way! I hate that I took it for granted growing up.
I would say that I wish I had some good marriage role models in my life when I was married. I made so many mistakes, not because I didn’t love the crap out of my wife, but because I did not know what the heck I was doing or was supposed to be doing. I figured, I’m a smart enough guy, I should be able to figure things out as I go. Now would be the perfect time to cue the laugh track on how miserably I failed.
Daniel, I believe that you will get another chance and it will be different for you this time around. You are not the same person you were back then.
LOVE this! My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday… he returned from a 2 month deployment and within hours, I remembered how much he annoys me with leaving little piles of stuff around the house. He calmly announced that I’m just slightly anal and he knows that, and that he already prepared himself for the readjustment period that comes along with his return each time. I thought it was pretty funny that he didn’t get the least bit upset with my OCD rants, he simply told me he understand why I was having them. Marriage is SUCH a magnifying glass. Once you’re married, it’s true that you unearth a whole lot more of who you are than you did when you were dating. And for some people, it can be a really big eye opener to who they really married!! Great blog!!
Danielle, thanks! I bet that is hard to go for a long period of time like that without each other. It’s got to be great to have him back but it’s also an adjustment.
I love the quote: “A good marriage is not as much about finding the right person as becoming the right person.” And kids–they accentuate our flaws and bring out our worst, but they also smooth off a lot of rough edges, and often make us better, more balanced, more tolerant, understanding, real people. They teach us new dimensions of love and force us to reach beyond our selfish nature and care deeply, sacrificially–without even counting the cost.
Family is God’s special training ground for actualizing spiritual maturity.
Mim, so you are telling me that I’ve made you a better person? Yes! I love being a kid.
Absolutely, and you are still stretching me. Why do you think I am so flexible.
My Parents and my In-laws…
and i would like to think…My wife and I…we’ve been told that we are a really good role model couple…I don’t like that cause…well…we know it’s not always perfect…but we are always blessed!
Arny, I bet you are a great example! Keep living for God. You ROCK!
I liken marriage to driving through hilly terrain. We tend to hit the gas to get up the hill, then coast down the other side, allowing momentum to carry us. Then we stomp on the gas to get up the next hill. But if we continued working the pedals rather than coasting, the ride would be smoother and easier.
Marriage is hard work, made even harder because sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it seems easy and we want to coast. But when we coast, we lose momentum and getting back up to speed is all the harder. Marriage requires constant, daily work. But at the end of the day, I know my wife and our marriage are worth it.
You are so smart Randal, and eloquent!
Randal, love this! Great stuff! Thank you for sharing.
What a great blog Rob. Great insight and authenticity.
Tammie, thanks! It always makes my day when you leave a comment. Thanks for reading!
So true, Rob–marriage is crucible where everything is concentrated, and on display. If I may indulge in a metaphor, forgiveness is the oil at keeps the engine of a marriage running smoothly. And love is the fuel that it runs on.
Great blog. Love reading your stuff. I wish that everyone would have a marriage even half as good as yours.
This is one of the best explanations I’ve read on marriage – and the REAL issue behind it – it exposes US who we really are. Well done – and so true. My parents have modeled it for 56 years – they are great examples.
Rob, I love reading your blog, it always seems to be just what I needed to hear and reading everyone’s comments and your responses helps so much! I have not had very good role models in the marriage department but my husband and I will celebrate # 19 this Sunday. God has really taken us through richer, poorer, sickness, health, better and worse to the extreme and I pray that coming through all of it still together can be an example for our kids. :)Again, thanks for all you do!
I could never get married with what you wrote Rob. I scare myself every morning when I look in the mirror. I couldn’t do that to my wife. ;~)
Rob, I think you and Monica have a pretty awesome marriage. I know you have your faults, but it still seems like you all do pretty well. I don’t think Candice and I know too many people that have a good model marriage. Sad
I am playing catch up here. Made it back into town late yesterday evening.
I would have to say, my Dad and Step mom. I have admired them, and their love for each other for as long as I can remember. They have faced many hardship’s together, and now face an ever bigger one. A few weeks ago we found out my step mother has cancer.
My father is by her side 100% of the time, and their close relationship I can tell is what is keeping him sane. I cannot imagine what he is going through right now knowing that half his heart is in such trouble. The night we found out I couldn’t sleep very well, and I spent some of the night looking at Rebecca while she slept, wonder how in the world would I function if in the same boat as my father. Regardless of the turn out of this, or God’s plan, I will always admire their relationship and love for one another.
My folks have modeled this for me incredibly.