Knox McCoy has the coolest name in the history of blogging. He’s laugh out loud funny, this generations the Fonze, and a big fan of the Bacherlorette. That brings a huge dilemma to me. I hate the Bachelorette and make fun of guys that watch it. That might change after this guest post. Enjoy… ___________________________________
The Moral Turpitude of Watching The Bachelorette
In an existential panic recently, Rob contacted me about a conflict so deeply embedded in his soul that it was interrupting his circadian rhythm. Naturally, I was alarmed for him. But it got me thinking: Rob probably isn’t the only human grappling with the conflict he spoke to me about. In fact, it may be something many of you are experiencing. I’m here for you.
Today, let me be your Oprah. No. Let me be your Dr. Phil. NAY! Let me be a conglomeration of the two: Dr. Phil Winfrey or Dr. OpraPhilfrey. Try that one on. Goes down smooth doesn’t it? I think I like that one the best. You know what? I’m rambling. I’m sorry. It doesn’t matter what we call me. Just let me help.
There’s a little show on television right now called The Bachelorette. Maybe you’ve heard of it? I got swept up in it a few years ago and now I spend my Monday nights writing 6,000+ word recaps about the show. Did you read that? That number isn’t an exaggeration. See for yourself here. So naturally, when Rob contacted me in a moral quandary about watching the show, I understood his plight. So let me try to properly contextualize the show for you and see if that might answer some of the fundamental issues plaguing you.
Essentially, The Bachelor/Bachelorette is like if the Song of Solomon was put into the form of a reality TV show. Except the exact opposite. It’s an absolute dumpster fire of a premise and the entire show is conducted with the smarminess of a Grey Poupon commercial.
In over 20 iterations of the premise, the show has led to a total of 3 marriages, 232,456 covers of US Weekly, and a derivative show called The Bachelor Pad that is so insanely moronic that even the Sunnis and the Shiites pause their feuding to briefly unite in the wake of it’s stupidity. So they’re like 3 for 24 in terms of matchmaking and though I’m not a mathematician, my powers of deduction tell me that it’s a less than awesome success to failure ratio.
So the question becomes, what is the allure of a show that in no way acts as a conduit of love and is a veritable Ellis Island for fame-mongers? Why do I spill all that vitriol towards the show but yet still devote myself wholly to it on Monday nights like Kermit to Ms. Piggy?
Easy. Because the show is completely unaware and oblivious to itself. It is our generation’s version of Mystery Science Theater and if you aren’t watching it, you are missing 120 minutes where you can guiltlessly rip on the contestants for bizarre and intellectually-challenged behavior. Every episode is a cornucopia of idiocy, hyperbole, and grandiose cliches about love. And you know what? It’s fantastic.
For me, the lure of the show is that it’s so stupid, it’s funny. It’s like a joke where everyone knows the punchline but yet the joke-tellers ALL firmly believe that it’s the first time the joke has ever been told. Every season, gallons of tears are cried and teeth are gnashed all under the notion that true love can be acquired through something like 36 total minutes of alone time throughout the course of the show. But the thing is, the participants all TRULY believe that they are treading the same ground where history’s great romantics have trod before. But it’s less Romeo and Juliet and more Britney and KFed.
So if you are feeling that tug on your soul to watch the show but your better judgment tells you to steer clear, just give in. Allow yourself to fall in love with watching ignorant, but attractive, people grasping at the concept of love like two obese hillbillies fighting over pork rinds. You won’t regret it and that’s a guarantee straight from Dr. OpraPhilfrey. I know, right?
27 Comments
Daniel Carman
on June 22, 2011 at 11:16 am
Although you may not be able to see me now, I am actually standing and clapping my approval. Bravo guest poster, bravo.
You should hear the list of things Rob has said he would rather do than watch the Bachelorette with me! Here's to hoping he will now laugh & mock along with me!
This is great – only seen the show once – and the Bachelor once too – that was enough for me 🙂 You are right on – it's watched because it's so predictable and so insane and stupid – unbelievable.
Fact: Kermit and Ms. Piggy were the pilot episode's first love match. They never aired it because Ms. Piggy burst into tears after the first day of shooting, squealing something about her lines being scripted and how she was noBODy's pupPET.
I'm afraid to come over to the dark side Knox. I watched it once, back in my previous life. I've stepped away from TV and don't need any temptation to go back. That's why I can only appreciate from afar your masterful Bachelorette recaps that have the Twitter world abuzz each week. But you have me leaning here man.
magnificent publish, very informative. I pponder why the other experts of this sector do
not realize this. You must continue your writing.
I’m sure, you have a great readers’ base already!
Although you may not be able to see me now, I am actually standing and clapping my approval. Bravo guest poster, bravo.
This was so stinkin funny ! This is exactly why I like watching Jersey Shore too ! I think this was your best quest blogger ever Rob 🙂
You should hear the list of things Rob has said he would rather do than watch the Bachelorette with me! Here's to hoping he will now laugh & mock along with me!
Great analysis sandwiched between decadent slices of humor.
You might just have me convinced to give it a chance. Good work, Dr OpraPhilfrey.
Well done, Knox McCoy. Well done.
This is great – only seen the show once – and the Bachelor once too – that was enough for me 🙂 You are right on – it's watched because it's so predictable and so insane and stupid – unbelievable.
Cindy, after reading this I am not considering watching it with my wife next week.
Mandie, thanks for stopping by.
Lejackson16, me too…me too.
Shepherdm, agreed.
Froyens, you might be on to something. Knox is amazing.
Bravo comment leaver, bravo. Great comment.
Ha Ha!! Love this!
Ha Ha!! HILARIOUS!
Thanks Dawn. I did to. Knox is funny.
 i hope you can change the background of your blog . it cant see clearly .thanks, Knox McCoy did a good job
And this is why I continue to watch season after season. Thank you, Dr. OpraPhilfrey. I feel affirmed in my decision to watch such mind candy.
Fact: Kermit and Ms. Piggy were the pilot episode's first love match. They never aired it because Ms. Piggy burst into tears after the first day of shooting, squealing something about her lines being scripted and how she was noBODy's pupPET.
I'm afraid to come over to the dark side Knox. I watched it once, back in my previous life. I've stepped away from TV and don't need any temptation to go back. That's why I can only appreciate from afar your masterful Bachelorette recaps that have the Twitter world abuzz each week. But you have me leaning here man.
Come to the dark side, Claymond. We all need easy targets in our lives.
I'm blushing. You're too kind. And we are kindred spirits with the Jersey Shore. CABS ARE HEEYAH!
I can see you in my soul, Daniel. And I appreciate your applause. I feel like Mr. Holland in the auditorium right now.
Lily, I'm working on that. Thanks for stopping by.
HopefulLeigh, thanks for the comment. That's why my wife watches as well.
A valiant effort, Knox.
Sadly, no cigar for you. I cannot bring myself to watch a show even my wife shuns.
magnificent publish, very informative. I pponder why the other experts of this sector do
not realize this. You must continue your writing.
I’m sure, you have a great readers’ base already!